Friday 20 December 2013

A catch-up....

Hello to anyone reading this. I can see that I've had a few hundred views so far, which is interesting. No idea how you found this site, guess you are as desperate as I am to find a cure for depersonalization, hmm?

My inner state has changed, but not positively, mostly negatively since I last wrote on this blog.
In fact, the last time I wrote anything for this blog was in March this year. Wow, that seems like a different lifetime and like I was a different person back then (bizarre sense of time perception and identity is a strong symptom of DP). I went to South America in May, 2 months later and that entire experience was essentially nullified by DP/DR. I felt completely numb and not like myself. In fact I lost every cool part of my personality, muffled beneath the despair and crippling loneliness I felt.

It just made me realize that, though I can still exist and survive, I can't LIVE. I can't ENJOY life, I merely exist in it. I can't perform in any area of my life, particularly socially, anywhere NEAR the same level as I once could, so whenever I meet someone, regardless of who they are, they are meeting a shit version of the real me. A pathetic shadow of a person. It SUCKS, it is SO FUCKING UNFAIR. WHY THE FUCK DID THIS SHIT HAVE TO HAPPEN TO ME? AS IF I DIDNT FUCKING HAVE ENOUGH TO DEAL WITH BEFORE? GOD YOU FUCKING CUNT HOW DARE YOU CURSE ME WITH THIS AFFLICTION. FUCK YOU.

Wednesday 13 March 2013

Progress

It's March. This means that my time at University is coming to an end next month. After this I will spend 3 months in South America. After that? Well, that's a tough one.

School and Uni allow everyone a safety net, because the government will give you cash and people let you off for mistakes, but when that comes to an end, that's it. You are on your own. That's a frightening proposition for me in my current mental state.

Fuck it, it's going to come eventually, I'm more worried about South America, in terms of not being able to enjoy a once in a lifetime experience because of crippling.... *whatever it is that is happening my head*..

Adios

Sunday 10 February 2013

The toughest thing imaginable

Trying to put a label on what this experience is, is really futile in the end. Ultimately there is no way of effectively communicating that which is so bizzarre. But not just bizzarre, it's so much more than that, so much more significant. It's not your every day experience of bizzarre. It's the ultimate in surreal feelings. A bullet through the middle of your consciousness.

I wake up every day and think 'what the fuck is going on' because truthfully I don't know.
It sometimes feels like what I am experiencing is worse than insanity, and that perhaps maybe I have gone insane. The only thing that keeps me grounded is the remaining pieces of my self which have been left behind after the slaughter of my personality.

PARALYZING SOCIAL ANXIETY& HYPER-TENSION is now my life.